Nothing's Worth Not Having You
by blindPhotographer
Summary: Becca can't take it anymore. Chloe thinks she is perfect. flawless. impeccable. But Becca knows she isn't any of those things & she knows that Chloe doesnt love her, she loves the idea of Becca. So Becca decides to end it all. A/N: much angst,many hurt and finally reprieve? AU-ish PLEASE BE PATIENT,SLOW BURN (I'm stuck in fluff land as of the moment. )
1. Chapter 1

**Nothing's Worth Not Having You**

It's so easy.

Stepping in front of a mirror. Looking, just looking at yourself. Ugly, arrogant, ignorant and unlovable. You're all of these things, to a mirror.

You're all of these things to yourself.

But to her?

How can she think of you in such light? She hasn't the right to. No one should have the right to lie to themselves in such a way. No one should see you as one ounce better than you are. Better is not the word for it. Better suggests there was some good to begin with. But you're no good.

She sees you as her knight in shining armor. She sees you as the one to whisk her away from the mundane life she leads. She sees you as beautiful, charming, sweet, yes, even tactful! Not because you are, but because that's what she wants to see in a girl. A girl she wants to love.

She never thought love would come to her in the way you did. So in her mental image of you, she fixes you. She moulds you in her mind to make you what she wanted all along. Something that you're not. Better.

It's too easy.

Looking in that mirror. Raising a hand. It's clenching something, and you're oddly reminded of a baby's fist, and the human instinct to curl fingers around objects.

You're ugly. You're arrogant. You're ignorant. You're unlovable. Unloved.

She doesn't love you. She loves the idea of you. Something you'll never be.

She's naive. To think the pair of you would ever make it? Ha! Too far, the distance between her heart and yours. And not just by miles.

It's simple.

Opening your fist. The light catches a glint from the object in your hand to the mirror. You haven't done this in a long time. And for the first time, you're attempting with intent.

You won't ever look in the mirror again. Into her face again. Into the world again.

She says she can't get over you, would never.

But she will. You don't deserve her, it's just not feasible. Nothing is.

And while she's far away, dreaming of the perfect you, the real you is cutting away your ties to life.

You watch your blood in the mirror. It seems more real from such perspective. You smile at the ugly, the arrogant, the ignorant. The unloved.

One last time your lips part, forming the words that have been in your mind for over a year:

"Nothing's worth not having you. Except perhaps escaping you. Without a broken heart."


	2. Chapter 2

You slowly blink awake. White. Everything around you is white. Except for the smell of antiseptic and bleach, you would have thought you have died and the afterlife was this colorless.

Failure. Good for nothing. Wastrel. "Loser…" you whisper to yourself. You can't do anything right; you fail at everything. You even fail at killing yourself. You feel a piercing stare just at your left but you don't turn your head to check. You lift your arm to rest it upon your eyes to block out the too bright fluorescent light. You barely feel the sting that that movement caused. You are sure they stitched you up and tightly taped layers of bandages over it. You have no strength left to live, what did they think? That you have the strength to pick and pry the self inflicted wounds? That's rich.

A warm soft hand lay itself on your arm. You flinch slightly but don't say anything. What's left to say?

"Becca." A quiet all too familiar voice breaks the silence of the hospital room. "Becca. It's me."

You know. You knew since the moment you woke up and felt the presence of another person in the room. You don't say anything to acknowledge her but you did care enough to remove your arm covering your eyes to finally look at her.

Red. Red as the blood you bathed yourself in that night. Her shock of hair flowing over her shoulders was the only color you see in the achromatic hellhole they call a room. Your eyes drift to her face. Her face you thought you won't ever see again. Her eyes were rimmed red and she looks like she haven't had sleep in a long while. Pain and despair clouded her once bright blue eyes, a plaintive expression marring her angelic features. You don't understand. Why? What is causing her pain?

"Becca. It's me." She says again, her voice thick with emotion. "Did something happen…. Did something happen that made you… start feeling this way?"

You look away. A tear escapes from your eye but you don't wipe it away.

She will start to fix you, you are sure of it. You shift to turn your back on her.

"Leave. Please leave." You brokenly whisper.


	3. Chapter 3

You stare at the sleeping girl in front of you, her wrists bandaged up tight. You were the one who found her after breaking into her dorm room. She had to have 20 or so stitches to the damaged she caused. Had you come in too late….

You shook your head in confusion. How could she do this? You may not be the brightest bulb in Barden university but you knew how damaging desperation and hopelessness is…

The human psyche is so complex dominated by three main sectors; appetite, will and reason but Beca, with all her flaws and awkwardness, was at least…well, stable. She struck you as strong, self-reliant and stable and she was. Oh, but what drove her to do this? Now, you are sitting in a bland hospital room staring at the figure sleeping on the bed all the while contemplating hundreds upon hundreds of reasons and situations but nothing concrete comes up.

"Loser…" a pained word was whispered into the too dry air of the room. You watched her shift and blink awake. What are you to do? All you can offer is yourself… could that be enough? It will be enough for today.

You took the few steps to her and placed a hand on her arm. "Beca. It's me."

She flinched. Was it out of disgust? You swallowed your fear and trepidation and kept on. "Did something happen…. Did something happen that made you… start feeling this way?"

What the effect of her next words to you were ineffable. Her delicate lips shaped the air "Leave. Please leave."

You took your hand back and rested it on your chest. It hurts. The pain was unbearable. It feels like someone sucked out all the air in the room. Tears were starting to blind you, being trapped beneath your lashes.

"Let me… I mean… I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to support you. Please Beca—"

"LEAVE! YOU CANNOT FIX ME! I AM NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!" she screams at you. She draws back, her blue eyes narrowed in contempt.

"I don't want you to be anything. I want you to be just the way you are." The tears finally fell and streamed down your face. "You complete me. The things that I lack, I see in you."

She scoffed in a self-deprecating way. "I keep telling you I am not perfect. Not for you, not for anyone. Let me die!"

"You're right. You're not perfect. But you are perfect for me. Listen to what I'm saying." You cupped her face and gently forced her to meet your gaze. "I have flaws, I have missing pieces but you are there. You are my missing half. You are perfect. I need to love you for my life to have meaning."

The obstinate look made Beca's eyes like blue ice. Hard. Unyielding. But the tears streaming uncontrollably from them showed her heart. "Chloe…"

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment...

Love is simply the name for the desire and pursuit of the whole.


End file.
